fucking LJ

Sep. 15th, 2010 11:17 pm
gloraelin: A Bunny, sitting on the moon fishing stars (Default)
seriously, when I start to abandon a journal I've had for like six years, it's bad. :/
gloraelin: A Bunny, sitting on the moon fishing stars (Default)
I'm ordering new glasses! I saw an optometrist today and got a script, so now I'm playing with Zenni Optical because they are a] highly recommended, b] adorably awesome, and c] CHEAP.

So! I've narrowed things down to roughly thirty [lol I know, that sounds horrible, but when you consider that they have hundreds of frames... not too bad indeed] and am hoping to get some input. I'm going to put a small thumbnail up that links back to the full size, and give some notes on the special ones [aka am I going to have lens tint, etc]. Any help would be totally lovely.

some notes: there are certain frames where you can choose your lens shape. Because of my prescription, I need ones that are at least 30mm tall. The list of available shapes is here. If a frame needs a shape specified, I'll just list the number I think would look cute. Another note: there are different colors and shades of tinting the glasses. Gray, green, amber, blue, purple, pink, and yellow. The shades are 80%, 50%, and 10%. Or none, of course. :P

all the frames, and the notes, are under here. VERY image-heavy, and it's pretty wide, too. )

thank you one and all for any help you can give!

a letter

Jul. 18th, 2010 12:30 am
gloraelin: A Bunny, sitting on the moon fishing stars (Default)
TO: Mr Stephen Moffat
RE: The Pandorica Opens

FUCKING CLIFFHANGERS.

Love,

Me
gloraelin: A Bunny, sitting on the moon fishing stars (Default)
Please check out this post and do what you can to spread the word and/or help out. Basically, a woman is trying to help a neighbor make back rent to keep her apartment, keep her child, and get away from a resentful ex.
gloraelin: A Bunny, sitting on the moon fishing stars (Default)
I'm aware this post may come across as me whining out of my privileged ass, but so be it. I have to work it out somewhere, and here's as good as anywhere else.

I've been experiencing a lot of weirdness lately, in the way I think and the way I act, in the conversations I have, the topics I talk about. Yesterday with a friend I mentioned that someone needed to "check their privilege" and he just... totally freaked out on me. Yeah, I said it. How dare I mention that someone's being an ass because they don't understand the issues that [insert minority group] goes through and is insisting! that there's no such thing as... white privilege, or male privilege, or cis or straight or whatever privilege.

I don't get that response. I mean, yeah, it's harsh coming to terms with how privileged you are [if you're a white, straight, cis male, OR another majority group {such as a white cis woman, in regards to transwomen of color}], but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist or that people who are trying to combat it are being overly touchy or whiny or asses or whatever.

And this is compounded by a couple things. First, I've been doing a LOT of reading lately on feminism -- it's always been a subject that's interested me greatly, especially since it was so "off-limits" growing up [all feminists are out to supplant men in the role of ~god's provider~ and hate men! ... lolno], and since I'm not working at the moment, I've taken the chance to check out a number of books from the library system here.

The things I've learned... the things I've read, and experienced, and seen... are simply astonishing. I'm astounded at the things women have gone through, and still go through, in the name of "fighting for equal rights." I've run into a few of these commonalities: I don't know that I don't want children, I'll just change my mind when my clock starts ticking! I don't know that I want sex. I can't take care of myself, I need a ~man~ to do it [bullshit!]. I don't deserve to be treated as an autonomous person, I'm ~just~ a woman.

And yet, all that crap, it all pales compared to what friends of mine have gone through. To the things people in other, "Third World" countries. So... it's kind of a reality check to realize that.

Second, it's more than a little disconcerting to be listening to a song that really appeals to me, and then suddenly the thought "[singer] is fucking hott and I'm kind of upset that he's off limits and gay" pops in my mind. I mean, yeah, he is, but... that's so delegitimizing to him, to his orientation, to his relationship... all that. I'm straight, yeah, and so that means that my relationship comes "standard" with a modicum of "respectability," according to society at large. He's not, and so... y'know, it doesn't.

It's just weird, to have all your preconceived notions of The World turned on their head, to realize that holy shit, I'm really really privileged to live where I do, to have the opportunities I have, to have the ability to even sit here and talk about my privilege like this.

What's weirder still is when people accuse me of "sitting behind [my] disability to mock others with mental/learning disabilities." Yeah, I have a problem with using loaded terms like "bitch," which I'm working on. But I don't need my damned "disability" title to mock someone, I'm an equal-opportunity snot, if I think you're being stupid I'll "mock" you. Or just point out how stupid your point is. Usually the latter, but sometimes the former if you've made an ass of yourself previously.

Anyway, that was a helluva tangent. Basically... I'm trying to work my way through unpacking my privilege, and it's proving way more difficult than I thought. And I'm sorry in advance if I offend you while I'm doing it, it is purely unintentional.

And damn, that got long.

----------------
Now playing: Adam Lambert - Whataya Want From Me
http://foxytunes.com/artist/adam+lambert/track/whataya+want+from+me

hmmm

Feb. 26th, 2010 04:59 pm
gloraelin: A Bunny, sitting on the moon fishing stars (Default)
I'm thinking of going vegetarian/pescetarian. Anyone have any helpful advice/info/sources?

LIEK WHOA

Feb. 23rd, 2010 04:11 pm
gloraelin: Old Spice's Isaiah: YOU'RE ON A BOAT (old spice)
I JUST GOT ACCEPTED TO EVERGREEN OMG~

snazzy!

Feb. 23rd, 2010 02:13 am
gloraelin: A Bunny, sitting on the moon fishing stars (Default)
I changed a bunch of things around, I was getting tired of the same layout for the past... uh... five and a half years.

So yeah. I'm happy with it.

...........

Feb. 5th, 2010 02:20 pm
gloraelin: A Bunny, sitting on the moon fishing stars (Default)
Okay so yesterday I had like a million appointments [in reality count = three] including my annual at Planned Parenthood.

I love the clinician that I got. Reese. She's so sweet and kind and caring. She helped me through both times I had PID and explains everything and even though PAP smears hurt like hell now she's still gentle.

Until she dropped the bomb. Apparently because of family history [that I already knew] and because of my ... erm, conditions, I ... I'm at Very High Risk for basically every female cancer there is. Cervical? Yup. Ovarian? Quite. Uterine? Of course. Breast? Duh.

And so now I'm sitting here just kind of lost thinking about it. I know that I can't spend every waking hour worried about cancer. I want to move on, I really do, I want to get on with my life, get my school stuff together and go make a difference in the world.

But oh, my gods... it's just such a huge shock. I mean I don't really know how to take it, I just don't. I don't know how to process. And I'm looking at a couple cancer support groups, specifically for the "too young to get it but oh you have it anyway" age group and I don't feel that I belong because I'm in front of instead of behind a cancer.

And so while I know that technically they're meant for survivors and patients I just want somewhere to go that will understand the terror and the fear and the shock and horror and I just... I'm scared. I'm really scared, honestly, because I have seen what cancer can do and while I don't give a shit if I become infertile [I'm already sterile, what difference is infertile going to make?] I just... the loss of things I KNOW is something that I don't know how to deal with.
gloraelin: A Bunny, sitting on the moon fishing stars (Default)
How classy, you fucking prick.

Respond to a decent point with comments about my body size? WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK.

Gods, sometimes, sometimes I really fucking wish I had a button that could punch people through their computer.
gloraelin: A Bunny, sitting on the moon fishing stars (Default)
OH. HAI THAR, DILAUDID. WELCOME BACK I HAVE MISSED YOU.
gloraelin: A Bunny, sitting on the moon fishing stars (Default)
I know it's hard to tell how mixed up you feel
Hoping what you need is behind every door
Each time you get hurt, I don't want you to change
Because everyone has hopes, you're human after all
The feeling sometimes, wishing you were someone else
Feeling as though you never belong
This feeling is not sadness, this feeling is not joy
I truly understand. Please, don't cry now

Please don't go, I want you to stay
I'm begging you please, please don't leave here
I don't want you to hate for all the hurt that you feel
The world is just illusion trying to change you
Please don't go, I want you to stay
I'm begging you please, please don't leave here
I don't want you to change for all the hurt that you feel
The world is just illusion always trying to change you

Being like you are
Well this is something else, who would comprehend?
But some they do, lay claim that
Divine purpose blesses them
That's not what i believe. It doesn't matter anyway.
A part of your soul ties you to the next world
Or maybe to the last, I'm still not sure
What i do know is, to us the world is different
As we are to the world but, i guess you would know that


***
A friend just sent this to me on facebook... and ... it just... hit me so hard. "Hoping what you need is behind every door"... is what I've been dealing with for the last two years... probably longer, if I let myself think back that far.

This song IS ME. It embodies my entire life. Sure, I've found some things I need, but ... I still need. I still need.

I tried Christianity to give me what I needed, and it put me in the place I'm in now. Now I'm Pagan, and much happier. I tried drinking, I tried candy, I tried drugs. None of them worked. And now... now I'm back at the same old place again. The same old place.
gloraelin: A Bunny, sitting on the moon fishing stars (Default)
I'm re-watching President Obama's Election Night Speech...

"On this day, in this election, at this defining moment... Change has come to America".

And finally... Finally, finally, I'm starting to see the change in my own life.

I'm on Medicaid. I'm taking at least a year off of work to heal, both body and mind.

I spent two stays in Fairfax Mental Hospital in April and May. I almost killed myself. Twice.

I've seen the truly dark hours of my life, I've seen the darkest, deepest secrets my mind can hold. I have seen the dark before the storm, and the light after the storm.

I have seen terror, and I have seen hope. And I have hope.

Finally, I have hope.

I have a chance at getting on SSI/SSDI. I have a chance at taking only a part-time job, and volunteering the rest of my time... I have a chance at going back to school.

I have a chance to experience LIFE. Instead of worrying about the debt hanging over my head, after I've filed what I'm going to file... I will be free.

Instead of worrying about how I'm going to survive - I have the chance to accept the hope the government offers.

Instead of worrying about my health - I can heal.

Instead of drowning in my disabilities, instead of drowning in the terror of failing again... I CAN HOPE.

"AMERICA - we have come so far, we have seen so much. But we are not done yet."

We are not done yet.
gloraelin: A Bunny, sitting on the moon fishing stars (Default)
I haven't posted in forever. I've been very busy.

Including with my shoulder. Turns out I have an impingement. And then I blew it out again at work last week. >.<

My simple question is... how much is too much? When is enough enough, in terms of pain? I'm ... *sighs* I'm practically crying right now, it hurts so much.

And yet, I don't really want to go to the ER, but I will if I need to. I just... don't apparently know when need is. I literally don't.

The pain is radiating up into my neck and down my arm, I can barely lift a glass of juice, and it just HURTS.

help.
gloraelin: A Bunny, sitting on the moon fishing stars (Default)
HANDMADE MEME

The first ten people to respond to this post will get something made by me! My choice. For you.

This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:
- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make!
- What I create will be just for you.
- It'll be done this year.
- You have no clue what it's going to be. It may be a story. It may be poetry. I may draw or paint something.
- I may bake you something and mail it to you. Who knows? Not you, that's for sure!
- I reserve the right to do something extremely strange. :D

The catch? Oh, the catch is that you have to put this in your journal as well.

Notes: feel free to tell me what colors you might like and what prompts you might like, just in case I find one of them inspiring :)
gloraelin: A Bunny, sitting on the moon fishing stars (Default)



This is for NaNoFiMo - National Novel Finishing Month. I may or may not participate due to my shoulder being so... painful. But yeah... in case. :D
gloraelin: A Bunny, sitting on the moon fishing stars (Default)


HAH! I'm done. *clutches shoulder and falls over*

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