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Apr. 15th, 2006 06:43 pmI'm so depressed right now, I'm crying listening to Wunderkind off the Narnia soundtrack. I need a hug.
It's not the biopsy itself that's scaring me, it's ... what might come of it. Even the word itself - cancer - sounds vile. I knew it was coming sometime, but I thought it would be so much later in life. I've seen what cancer does to your body, to your mind, and it scares me. 21 is too young to be hit with skin cancer. 21 is too young to go through chemo treatments.
And I'm not even sure that's what it is. I can't see a doctor until my benefits (insurance, woo) kick in on June 1, because if it's tagged before then... I might never get it. So I have to wait a month and a half, struggling to keep my brain from destroying itself out of fear. A month and a half of waiting and watching, making sure these stupid things don't get out of control, and wondering how bad it will be when I finally get them seen.
I just ... why does everything seem to go wrong when I've got so much to do? My dad had his heart attack when I was still on crutches, dealing with finals. I had a double allergy attack to antibiotics when I was job hunting. My grandfather died right before finals and the holiday season. And now... I've got work and school and grad and trying to figure out if I should move and now this to deal with.
Why? Why does life have it out for me? Why can't I live a normal life, like my friends - happy, busy, sane(r) lives, where everything is showered on them, awards and scholarships and all that crap. Where getting sick is abnormal, not a bi-weekly given. Where something as scary as cancer never enters their thoughts.
Where's the vodka?
It's not the biopsy itself that's scaring me, it's ... what might come of it. Even the word itself - cancer - sounds vile. I knew it was coming sometime, but I thought it would be so much later in life. I've seen what cancer does to your body, to your mind, and it scares me. 21 is too young to be hit with skin cancer. 21 is too young to go through chemo treatments.
And I'm not even sure that's what it is. I can't see a doctor until my benefits (insurance, woo) kick in on June 1, because if it's tagged before then... I might never get it. So I have to wait a month and a half, struggling to keep my brain from destroying itself out of fear. A month and a half of waiting and watching, making sure these stupid things don't get out of control, and wondering how bad it will be when I finally get them seen.
I just ... why does everything seem to go wrong when I've got so much to do? My dad had his heart attack when I was still on crutches, dealing with finals. I had a double allergy attack to antibiotics when I was job hunting. My grandfather died right before finals and the holiday season. And now... I've got work and school and grad and trying to figure out if I should move and now this to deal with.
Why? Why does life have it out for me? Why can't I live a normal life, like my friends - happy, busy, sane(r) lives, where everything is showered on them, awards and scholarships and all that crap. Where getting sick is abnormal, not a bi-weekly given. Where something as scary as cancer never enters their thoughts.
Where's the vodka?
