...........

Okay so yesterday I had like a million appointments [in reality count = three] including my annual at Planned Parenthood.

I love the clinician that I got. Reese. She's so sweet and kind and caring. She helped me through both times I had PID and explains everything and even though PAP smears hurt like hell now she's still gentle.

Until she dropped the bomb. Apparently because of family history [that I already knew] and because of my ... erm, conditions, I ... I'm at Very High Risk for basically every female cancer there is. Cervical? Yup. Ovarian? Quite. Uterine? Of course. Breast? Duh.

And so now I'm sitting here just kind of lost thinking about it. I know that I can't spend every waking hour worried about cancer. I want to move on, I really do, I want to get on with my life, get my school stuff together and go make a difference in the world.

But oh, my gods... it's just such a huge shock. I mean I don't really know how to take it, I just don't. I don't know how to process. And I'm looking at a couple cancer support groups, specifically for the "too young to get it but oh you have it anyway" age group and I don't feel that I belong because I'm in front of instead of behind a cancer.

And so while I know that technically they're meant for survivors and patients I just want somewhere to go that will understand the terror and the fear and the shock and horror and I just... I'm scared. I'm really scared, honestly, because I have seen what cancer can do and while I don't give a shit if I become infertile [I'm already sterile, what difference is infertile going to make?] I just... the loss of things I KNOW is something that I don't know how to deal with.